Another step undertaken

It’s almost exactly 3 months until the day I make my application for M.A.i.D.

Today I bid farewell to my motorcycle.

It was a 2013 Suzuki 650cc Bergman.

I bought it in March of 2020.

It was a fun machine to ride.

It could move.

But depression crept in like it always fucking does.

Depression has to be the cruelest part of the abuse from CFB Namao and the subsequent fuckery that happened.

It’s like I keep getting punished over and fucking over for the events on Canadian Forces Base Namao.

I’d been riding motorcycles since my mid 20’s.

As a kid, Richard would often take me on motorcycle rides.

There was something magical about riding on a motorcycle.

My first motorcycle was a Honda CB-750-four.

I didn’t realize why I was drawn to the CB-750-four, but then one day when I was out riding I realized that my father’s motorcycle had been a mid ’70s CB-550-four

I’ve had various bikes over the years, including a brand new 2001 Triumph Sprint RS.

But, as with everything in my life, depression quickly comes in and steals the last bit of joy from my life.

It’s usually Richard in my head screaming at me for being a fucking idiot and that I’m too fucking stupid to own these things.

Anyways, another tenant in the building had been hounding me for the parking spot.

And to be honest, the parking spot was costing me $110.00 / month. $110.00 for my motorcycle to sit there gathering dust and bird shit and mocking me every time that I went to take the garbage out or to ride my scooter to work.

So on Sunday I placed an ad for it on Craigslist. I had been dreading do this. I hate people coming over to buy things from me. That’s one of the reasons that I’d much rather just recycle my old stuff than try to sell it.

Another reason that I don’t like to sell things of mine is that I feel that I’m ripping the person off that I’m selling my goods to.

I’m deathly afraid of selling my stuff to someone and then it breaking and the person then thinking that I’m some sort of scam artist.

So, I listed the bike for $500.00 “As Is” with the stipulation that I was selling it as a parts bike, but that if the buyer felt so inclined they could probably ride it.

But I wasn’t selling a bike to be ridden.

I was just selling a “parts bike”.

The eventual buyer came by with a new battery just to see if the bike would even turn on.

So, even though I hadn’t started it since December of 2021 it fired up within 3 cranks of the engine.

It idled nicely and smoothly.

I explained certain aspects of the bike to the buyer such as the Manual and Automatic transmission modes, the heated grips, the heated seats, the electric mirrors, the electric windshield that raises and lowers,the ABS, etc.

He couldn’t believe that I was selling the bike for $500.00

I explained to him that due to my depression that I was certain that I was never going to ride a motorcycle again. And that to put new tires on the bike, and new brakes, and a new battery, and to change out the fluids was going to run about $2k.

And the bike was costing me $110.00 / mnth just for parking.

So, I’m cutting my loses and letting it go to someone who wants to ride it.

He mentioned that he had some friends that were dealing with depression and he knew how it fucked them up.

I didn’t go to far with him into my fucked up world of depression

He doesn’t need to know what caused my depression.

He doesn’t need to know that I’m counting on that I will be allowed to die next year to be free of my depression.

I sensed that he was worried that he was taking advantage of a someone with depression who wasn’t thinking straight.

I assured him that this wasn’t a miscalculation, that I was selling the bike for $500.00 so that I could cut my loses, and that I didn’t want the bike sitting around rotting out.

I was happy to see him ride away with a once in a life time deal.

And I know that I am making the right decisions and the right choices.

It’s no use holding on to dreams that will never be. Doing so will just drive a person fucking insane. And I’m already more than insane enough.

Next week I’m going to go to ICBC and surrender my driver’s licence, I’ll trade it in for a BCID card.

Outside of my scooter, I don’t think I’ll be driving vehicles again in the time I have left, so why hold on to a driver’s licence?