What does it feel like?

What does death actually feel like?

I know that this sounds like a morbid question, but I have a curiosity.

I imagine that as long as violence isn’t involved, and the death isn’t due to slow external or internal bleeding, that death should come on nice and peacefully.

I’ve had two incidents of syncope with elevated troponin levels in the last few years.

The dropping to the floor didn’t hurt.

The being unconscious didn’t feel like anything.

It didn’t hurt.

It wasn’t scary.

It was peaceful.

And then I came to.

Both times I was actually disappointed that I came back.

I can only hope that the dying process is as peaceful as the death.

I know that in the weeks, days, hours, and minutes leading up to my death that I will be anxious as hell.

I know that it’s going to be nerve racking climbing into my death bed.

And I know that it’s going to really be anxiety inducing feeling the midazolam starting to flow into my veins, knowing that I will soon come to the point of no return.

But, all I have to do is remember what depression feels like and what the memories of CFB Namao and CFB Griesbach do to me.

I really wish that there was some way that I could make you understand how being alive hurts.

The depression, the anxiety, the confusion, the numbness.

The memories of the neglect. The memories of the sexual abuse. The memories of the physical abuse. The memories of the mental abuse.

I never asked for any of this.

I never asked for life.

And I should have the right to say that enough is enough.

The opinions of the catholic church and other religious leaders should have no bearing on my request to end my life.

The point of my life is for me to enjoy my life, not to make you happy.

If I can’t enjoy my life, why should I be forced to endure this?

That’s one of the problems with being human.

I’m flawed.

But we’re all flawed.

We have two brains, our primitive brain and our prefrontal cortex.

The primitive brain looks after our basic reflexes and urges.

The prefrontal cortex looks after our higher functions, regulates the impulses of our primitive brain, and basically guides us on our daily struggles to be better than our fellow animals.

The prefrontal cortex as it turns out is very susceptible to stress and mental trauma. And when it becomes damaged it has an even harder time regulating our higher functions.

This is why frontal lobotomies were used to “cure” depression, anxiety, and other issues related to emotional wellbeing. A sharp instrument would be driven into the brain via one or both orbital sockets. The instrument would be moved back and forth, side to side, in order to sever the connection between the frontal cortex and the rest of the brain.

Yes, the procedure would often “cure” the ailments, but it would often leave the patient without the ability to feel any type of emotions, would leave patients apathetic and unmotivated. In worse cases the patient would become catatonic or even just die.

The prefrontal cortex is a relatively new feature in our primate brain. Our closest relatives, the Chimpanzee, which is a great ape, has a prefrontal cortex, but it is much smaller than the human prefrontal cortex.

Chimpanzees aren’t noted for committing suicide.

Humans do.

And quite frequently.

And with very imaginative techniques.

I think it’s just that the prefrontal cortex is too advanced for our primitive brain and it can’t deal with the human flesh and blood body that it is attached to.

When it becomes damaged due to trauma, neglect, or abuse, it is unable to cope properly anymore. It can’t properly regulate anxiety. It can’t properly regulate stress. And it can’t regulate depression.

Structures in the prefrontal cortex change. The prefrontal cortex then decides that dying and death are preferential to being alive.

And the prefrontal cortex makes this decision quite frequently.

It is estimated that around 700,000 people in the world commit suicide each year.

This of course doesn’t include suicide attempts. Nor does it include suicides that couldn’t definitely be proved to be a suicide. And of course sometimes the police / medical personal will avoid recording the death as a suicide to spare the family or loved ones of the deceased.

Who am I to say that the desire to die is wrong.

And is the desire to die really wrong?

Why do I have to live with the trauma that was gifted to me as a child?

Why do I have to live with the brain that was damaged due to neglect and psychological trauma?